Sapphire Luna (sapphireluna) wrote in boys_and_girls,
Sapphire Luna

Have you ever seen something like this?

Long story is long. Congrats if you read everything.

I really need some advice here, or at least people agreeing with me that my boyfriend is not right in his head. Seriously, tell me if you’ve ever heard of a person like this!
A bit of background: We’ve been together for a bit more than a year, and I’ve moved in with him 4 months ago. There’s something wrong with him. A normal person doesn’t act like this. He refuses to tell me his opinion on anything and then he tries to make me feel guilty about things that don’t exist and he imposed on himself.

For example, before I moved in, I called him cause we were supposed to go to the mall.
Me: When do you want to go?
Him: I dunno. When do you want to go?
Me: How about now?
Him: Oh, I haven’t eaten yet, but that’s ok. I guess i don’t get to eat. That’s ok.
Me: ...we can go later after you eat, it doesn’t matter.
Him: No, you want to go now, so let’s go now. It’s ok, I understand.

Then he’s super moody and unpleasant the entire day. And of course that makes me upset so we have a terrible time.
When we’re ordering take out and I can’t decide, I ask him what he feels like eating and he says “We can have whatever you want.” So I say “ Ok, but what do YOU want?” And he just shrugs.

We were going to a store, and I ask if he prefers to walk or go on bike. He shrugs and says “I don’t mind, whatever you want.” So I say bike, so he says: “Oh. I guess I don’t get to buy anything then. That’s ok. It’s not like I was going to buy anything anyways.” So I say “ Let’s walk then.” But he says “no it’s okay, let’s go by bike. It’s okay, I understand. I don’t mind.” It’s obviously not okay! Then he was unpleasant and moody the entire trip.

See the pattern? When I ask his opinion on anything, he always says: “It’s okay, whatever you want. It doesn’t matter what I want, does it? We always do things your way.”
Arg! But I ask him what he wants! He never answers then gets upset and terribly unpleasant to be around when I choose the option he doesn’t like! And always always with the “It’s okay, I understand.” What does he understand? He understands that I’m a selfish person and he has to do what I say. That’s so not true! I do ask but when he never decides, I have to make a decision eventually.

Another thing he does: he gets angry and snaps at me for very, very insignificant things. No really, for no reason.
I was talking to him on the phone and I was hearing water so I ask what he’s doing, and he says” I’m doing my washing! I TOLD you!!” But he didn’t, and even if he did, what can trigger a reaction like this? His behaviour is completely unprovoked.

He was cooking fries in the oven, I ask if it’s okay if I put my chicken nuggets in there too.
Him: No! I don’t want your chicken on my fries. (He’s a vegetarian)
Me: Ok, I’ll eat something else then.
Him: Fine! Take it! (He takes out his fries and leave them on the counter)
Me: You can use it, I can eat something else, I really don’t mind.
Him: (Storms out) Let me know when I can use the kitchen!

I did not use the oven, and 30 mins later he says “ Do let me know when I can get back in the kitchen!” And I don’t answer cause I think he’s being stupid. On another day, he was cooking an omelette and he was on his computer when I saw this, so I thought he had forgotten about it cause it was pretty cooked:

Me: I think your omelette needs to be turned.
Him: (Misheard)What are you whining about?
Me: I think your omelette needs to be turned.
Him: Fine! I’ll turn my omelette if that’s what you want!
Me: I don’t mind...I thought you had forgotten it...
Him: I prefer it cooked on just one side, I have to turn it because you commanded it! It’s ok!
Me: ...

Usually when he does that I get so upset that I start to cry. I have talked about it many times and it never changes. He keeps saying I’m selfish but really I don’t force him to do anything! He just has a lose screw I think! I cry and he never, never, ever apologized. Once I told him: “ You never apologize because you don’t truly believe there’s anything for you to apologize about, right?” And he said “That’s right.” When I’m so upset that I don’t talk to him for a while, instead of fixing things he just says fine and doesn’t talk either. He never makes effort to fix our fights, even though he causes them. I don’t like it, so I eventually start talking again and try to fix things, but it’s only a matter of days/weeks before the cycle repeats. He acts like he’s the victim and he’s the one who has to forgive me, but it’s the opposite!

I’m not perfect, I make him upset sometimes too. But at least I do realize when I do wrong, and do say I’m sorry! I’ve thought about breaking up, but i do love him. He’s fine when he’s not in one of those crazy phases. I also need him to pay the apartment and bills... I don’t know what to do...I could watch what I say to him, and avoid anything that sounds even slightly condescending but really that’s hard since I don’t think I say anything wrong :( He’s the one with a problem. Please tell me you see it too! What can I do to solve this?
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I lived with this for 15 years with 2 different husbands. It's not going to change. He will not change unless something snaps inside his head and he desided he wants to. He envisioned one thing in the relationship, but the reality of the real world is something else. He is not happy with something about himself. As a general rule, most men are happy with what you want, they are happy to be told, hey, let's go to the store, we need to do this, this is what I want. But when they have absolutely no opinion there is something wrong. I am assuming you have no far as paying the bills...there is always a way. I am doing it with 2 kids, going to school, and looking for work. There is always a way.If you stay or he stays he is going to bring you down with him. You will both get stuck in a rut and things will get way messier and uglier. Uglier hurts that much more. There has to be an equal amount of effort on both parts to make it work. You can't fix him, you won't fix him. Only he can fix him, but he may never admit to anything needing to be fixed. And he may be the kind of guy who never apologizes because then he would have to take resposibility for something and there are a lot of them that just don't want to do that. It's much easier to be a miserable person than to put a little effort into communicating. How old are you? How old is he? How many relationships have the two of you been in? It is all relevant. Read my last post, Dating 101, and see if any of it applies. Good luck!
Your boyfriend sounds like he grew up not being heard (dad, mom, older sibling, someone). And when he chose to give his opinion, or wishes, he was always put down for being stupid, little, dumb, etc. Does this sound like your man? You should try to convey to him you are not that person from his past. His opinion really does matter to you. And his opinion should matter to him also.
Just a thought.
Keyword I've noticed is cycle. The same thing keeps happening over and over again, it almost sounds like the same argument and it must be exhausting for you!

To me though, and with no offence to him it sounds almost feminine. If you were a man talking about his wife I'd suggest PMS or hormones because I myself am guilty of giving the old eggshells treatment every now and then to my poor other half when it's my time of the month.

It sounds like the issue is way deeper than him thinking you are a criticizing his omelette, or banishing him to a life of riding a bike though. Either way, you wouldn't have won that. If you'd have said to "walk" he would have probably sulked over the extra time it would take, do you see what I mean?

Back to the "cycle" point though, the only way to get out of this is for one of you to break it. Seeing as you seem to be the one who has begun the breaking by coming on here to ask for advice it is you maybe that should rise above it. He's verbally attacking you from an emotional point of view which is what we ladies are more likely to be affected by. The way I'd go about this is to show him how ridiculous his arguments are. When he says "fine, I guess I'll just not eat" - don't rise to it. Say "Well, okay, if you're sure" and continue. Let him sulk all the way to the shops and back. This isn't cruelty, this is showing him that if he wants to act like a moody child he will be treated that way.

He's taking your good nature and sensitivity for him what he would be missing if you weren't so nice.

Hope this helps and good luck.


Thanks! I'm working on that. Trying to not let it get to me anymore and letting him alone in his silliness.
I only just noticed the date you posted after I'd typed my comment all up so I thought better late than never! Glad to hear it, hope all goes well for you :3